Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” “Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but cold and harsh while pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, Northern southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant.”
“I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts.”
“This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a group of Islands and said, “What are those?”
“Ah,” said God. “That’s the Philippines , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and forests. The people from the Philippines are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found travelling the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as carriers of peace and love.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God replied wisely,
“Wait until you see the idiots I designated as their leaders.”

This post appeared on Craigslist as a classic that hit the frontpage of thousands of websites worldwide. Apparently, a supposedly beautiful 25-year-old woman was trying her luck on Craigslist… What am I doing wrong? Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 – 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level? Here are my questions specifically: - Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms -What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings -Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)? - Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there? - Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows – lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out? - How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY Please hold your insults – I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them – in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth. Wall Street banker Rob Campbell (Employed by JP Morgan) gave our girl a shake that she’ll never forget. =) I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity!in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold “hence the rub”marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.” I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale

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1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner… as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight. 2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair. 3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound. 4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off … to your advantage. 5. Always go to the bathroom first. 6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. 7. Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course. 8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully). 9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?). 10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.

How to be more stressed out.

1. Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.

2. Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion.

3. Consider the power of negative thinking.

4. Hide your sense of humor. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.

5. If you’ve been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.

6. Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.

7. Practice the art of “hurry up and wait”. This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere – like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.

8. Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.

9. To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.

10. Never read a book or listen to music.

11. Play “Hide and Seek” by concealing important documents from yourself.

12. Delegate nagging problems. You’ve proved that you can’t deal with them.

13. Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.

14. Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won’t come away with a long list of things to do.

15. Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.

16. When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.

17. Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don’t like it.

18. When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.

A man visits his doctor.

“I think I have a problem, doc,” said the patient. “One of
my balls has turned blue.”

The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the
patient would die if they didn’t have his testicle removed.

“Are you crazy?!” exclaimed the patient, “How could I let
you do such a thing to me?”

“Do you want to die?”, asked the doctor rhetorically, and
the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But
two weeks after the operation, he came back.

“Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but the other ball has
turned blue too.”

Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his
other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was
very reluctant. “Hey, do you want to die?”, asked the doc,
and the patient had to agree to the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned
to the doctor. “I think something is very wrong with me. My
penis is now completely blue.”

After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc
gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has
to go.

Of course, he did not want to hear about it. “You really
want to die?”, asked the doctor.

“But… how do I pee?”

“We’ll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no
problem.”

So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation,
the unfortunate man again returns the doctor’s office. He is
very angry.

“Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue.”

“What?”

“Can you tell me what a hell is happening?”

So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, “Hmmmm, I think its the jeans……”

A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully
equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling
array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

“Father, forgive me, for it’s been a long time since I’ve been to
confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much
more inviting these days.”

The priest replies, “Get out! You’re on my side!!!”

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him.

“Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?” he replied. “And remember, he said, I had two choices – I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes, I remember. So?”

“I would have gotten out today.”

A man visits a friend recovering from flu, who says it’s been a happy and
wonderful experience.
“How so?”
“I’ve found out how much my wife loves me – she’s been so pleased to
have me home.”
“How do you know?”
“Well, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she
runs out shouting “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

沒有高手翻譯你不會看得懂的喔 ! 全版如下 Dear wang litte sister: 親愛的王小姐 From see you one eye, I **** love you. 自從看到你的第一眼, 我便愛上你。 Your eyes close, I die; your eyes open, I come back to live. Your eyes close and open again and again,I die again and again. 妳的眼睛閉上，我就死了，你的眼睛打開，我又活過來，妳的眼睛貶啊貶 , 我就死去活來 ? Maybe you do not remember me, no matter. When you carefully look at me, you will one see clock. 也許你不記得我, 沒有關係 ,當你仔細看著我，你就會一見鍾情 I think l should introduce myself to you.. 我想應該介紹一下自己。 I call Li big great. Toyear 25 我叫李大偉 ,今年 25(今天是 today,那麼今年就是 toyear. 至於偉就翻成great 吧！ ) My home have four mouth people-papa, mama, I and DD. 我家有四口人 ..爸爸、媽媽、我和弟弟。 I am a good man, in a big company work. 我是一個好男人，在一家大公司上班。 I do early **** every day, so that I can have strong body to protect you. 我每天都做早操，這樣我會有 強壯的身體來保護你。 Please come to eat and sleep with me, or I will cut my hair to be a monk, and find a place where many monks live in to over my life; 請嫁給我吧 ,否則我將削髮為僧 ,找個廟來了此一生。 (實在想不起「嫁」字怎麼翻譯，好在頭腦靈光 , 嫁過來不就是和我吃住在一起。至於 「廟」字, 也不會翻譯，不過很多和尚住在一起的地方，就是廟。) Like Your people 喜歡妳的人 REGARDS YOKELEEN 『老爸的英文情書』

Mary’s husband has been slipping in and out of coma for a week now. when the husband finally woke up again, he whispered, ”Come closer” ” Yes my dear ! ” mary replied ” U know, you are forever with me, when I got sacked, when i started my own business but failed, when i am in the red, and now , even when I am in a coma . I think..” ” Yes dear?” Mary replied, warmth spreading to every part of her body ” you are bad luck. ” the husband gasped, and slipped back into his coma again. An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, ‘Hey old man, have you ever danced?’ The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, ‘No, I never did dance, — just never wanted to.’ A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, ‘Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,’ and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector, in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands. The old man said, ‘Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?’ The boy bully swallowed hard and said, ‘No. But I’ve always wanted to.’ There are two lessons for us all: 1. Don’t waste ammunition. 2. Don’t mess with old people.

A man checks into a hotel in Wainwright Alberta while on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs…… well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call. ‘Hello,’ the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. ‘Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?’ She says, ‘That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.’

Viagra An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds. “No, not worth it!” “OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?” “No, not worth it!” “OK, 20?” “No, not worth it!” “How about 10?” “No, not worth it!” “Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?” “Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it.”